stay cool

i found out about you in the early morning hours of what was otherwise an utterly unremarkable day. slipping quietly from your dad’s side to take a test to prove you were there, i waited three long minutes in near silence until, turning over the thin white test, two solid blue lines boldly directed me to my new life.

seeing you for the first time – hearing the thump of your life – was the reason the word surreal exists. that – you – were inside me. living, flipping, moving, BEING. you remain – now with two little additions – the absolute pinnacle of beauty. you were the wonder of my life. the entirety of my life. how had i lived 23 years without my true heart beating inside me?

giving birth to you was as deep a joy as i’d ever known. my god, what a beauty. what a tiny, delicate, overwhelming beauty. when they removed you from my body and took you to be weighed, it felt like you were still connected to my body. i could FEEL you move around the room. yet, you were not of my body anymore. something in the room shifted at that moment, and i realized that i didn’t own me anymore. i had no real control over my happiness, as it was so dependent on yours. of course that is not healthy in the long run, but darling. oh, my darling boy. i gave birth to more than just my son that early thursday morning. i gave birth to the most fragile part of my soul and it now resides in you. hugging you is as close to being whole as i’ll ever be again.

i have watched you grow up with such reverence and honor. i used to dream about you, talk to you, write you letters. before i even knew your dad, i knew you. i would dream of the little boy who would be mine and the realization of that dream as the greatest of all the gifts ever given in life is not lost on me.

“no one has ever loved their little boy as much as i love you. you are the most-loved little boy in the whole world.”

and now i find myself slowly, carefully closing the chapter of your childhood. holding your hand with the understanding that there will be far less hand-holding in the next pages of your life. i understand rationally that to get to the next step, we have to leave the other one behind. but it is such a hard thing to do when i have loved so deeply the step we’re on. but. it’s time. and i will not live with regret when it comes to your life because there is nothing but gratitude for the very experience of you.

you are becoming a young man of honor, of compassion, of hope and sentimentality. you understand what is important and you apologize when you’ve wronged someone. these are traits not common in many grown men, much less those just starting on their path to adulthood. you are courageous and kind, boldly proud of who you are and willing to change things that need to change. you are smart and humble, funny and wise. you are going to be a man who stands for something, buddy. it would be my greatest honor to see your life’s work.

i absolutely love you. to the moon, kiddo.

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